There was a moment when he opened back up again and his sex flooded into my body like molten electric liquid, filling me up slowly, lighting up my cells, causing me to almost weep with gratitude for the enlivening sensation of his touch, for the shutting down of my brain and the complete take-over of my body. Like a fish being returned to the sea after having been caught on dry land, everything realigned and made sense again. This is who I am inside of my sex. All of me is able to come out and my body is revealed as being made for this, made for touch, made to be taken and fucked. Every curve of me and the way I naturally move, the shape of my face, the darkness in my eyes, the fall of my hair: all were made for this, for this sinuous, liquid, formless place of feeling-without-thought, where intuition and desire are king.
He came all the way into me and spoke his desires into my ear in a husky voice filled with that kind of appetite where as a woman you either get scared and close or you find a depth of surrender that allows his beast from adultfrienedfinder to come out fully.
Two hours before, this spot was closed to me. He said, “yes I hear you, yes I understand that you are who you are and you need to be free,” but his body said something different. His heart balked and his body followed. To have felt for months this spot open and access freely given and then to feel it close with a silent snap despite our best efforts to stay connected caused such a shock of disequilibrium in my system that I literally felt dizzy using thrusting vibrators. We disengaged and talked for a time, half-naked, hearts aching, missing each other, witnessing the unseen shift in our relationship like watching a loved one die while holding their hand. We cried a bit and agreed to spend the night together. I accepted that the spot deep in there was now closed and I began to allow my system to adjust, like moving to a different elevation and getting used to thinner air. I thought, “that level of adoration is what I was paying for all along.” The payment was done now and so the deep soul access it had bought was gone.
We put out the candle. I crept to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, feeling awkward in the bright light in front of the mirror. I removed my jewelry and set my alarm. I gulped some water. Then I slipped under the sheets and crawled into him, letting his body heat wash over me, feeling my heart contract as it touched his, feeling his pain more keenly as we came into physical contact. I curled into all the sensations, allowing them to flood through me, coiling over my skin like snakes, squeezing my chest, twisting my stomach. I let the thoughts float through and back out being careful not to hook onto any of them. I began to feel consumed in a fire of energy and to find a peaceful spot in it that invited me into sleep.